Going for a Drive

They say a sign of getting older is time going by more quickly. Even though I am now closer to the big 3-0 than 20 I still don't consider myself 'old.' I have convinced myself that I never want to grow 'old'....more mature, wiser, kinder...yes. But not 'old.' Thank goodness for two children and several nieces and nephews to keep me young at heart and help me to remember the important things of life....just so happens that the most important 'things' in life aren't things.

I got cancelled the last 8 hours of my shift at the hospital so I now find myself resisting the urge to wake Elaina up so I can hug and kiss her and tell her how much I missed her cute little face. Now, I am waiting for the sleeping pills to kick in so that sleep can come. In the meantime I've been looking at blog posts that my sister is so good about doing, wondering where this last summer has gone...year has gone! In looking at the little faces I adore so much I started thinking about the power of love. How blessed I am to have felt love in the capacity that I have. I know some people search and search and will never know the feeling. There are a lot of "things" in this world that I don't have or will never have, but I have been blessed with the gift of love in my life.

I remember being a top the peak at Snowbird, standing on a grand mountain, snowflakes dancing around two love birds, clouds creeping upon us, engulfing and crawling over the mountain side. I remember that moment and the exact words he said to me and I remember thinking I how much I thought I loved Manny that day. I remember walking down the isle seeing so many loved ones faces and then finally resting my eyes on my future husband, seeing his handsome face as each step I took brought me closer and closer to him, my body unable to breathe or think or concentrate on anything but that moment....seeing his soft gentle stare and admiration for the woman he beheld drew me closer, I remember then how I thought I loved him then. I remember the first time as a family we got to go to lunch [Manny, Marcus and I.] I remember feeling so happy and feeling so in love with these two boys. I remember the first time Marcus thought enough of me to call me 'Mommy.' The first time he ran and greeted me with hugs and a kiss voluntarily and was genuinely happy and excited to see ME....the first time he said "I love you Jana," the first time I saw him truly sad to leave me. The first time he chose to give me hugs first instead of Manny. I thought I knew love then. Becoming a step parent first, knowing how I feel about Marcus, I never believed that the love I would feel for Marcus would be different than what I would feel for my own child. I was wrong and I've just barely pin pointed the difference. I have always given my love freely to Marcus. The only way I knew how to be a step parent was to treat him as my own child therefore, I did as any mother would do. I gave him my heart whole hearted freely. I sacrificed. I felt empty when he left our little nest. Joy when he got that "ah ha!" moment. I thought and prayed about him when he was miles away, when he was in the next room, when he was curled up in my lap. The difference you ask?While I was giving of myself and loving him best I knew how....unlike the love I share with Elaina....Marcus' love isn't always unconditional love being reciprocated back towards me. With the hard moments and difficult side of step parenting came so many good and incredible moments, so many moments that you thought your heart would burst from the joy and happiness and love one felt...Being a step parent....I thought I knew what love is.

I remember the day I read the pregnancy test was positive. I remember being in our little apartment and looking into my husband's anxious face - eyes dancing around my face searching, hoping for the yes. Happy to see the twinkle in his eyes when he heard the news. I remember feeling so in love with him in that moment and so completely happy. That day, I thought I knew what love was. The day I had my first ultrasound and first saw Elaina in my belly...my heart stopped beating as I saw her little bean shaped self dance around inside me, love burned in me. The first time I beheld her gorgeous face, the first time she nestled down in my arms and like that I had fallen in love all over again. With her. With Manny. With Marcus. I thought I knew what love was. In these moments and so many others - too many to name by one, I've thought I knew the meaning and the feeling of love. Then comes a moment where I am so consumed with joy, happiness, love, adoration, peace that I wonder how so many months ago, so many times over...how I THOUGHT I was in love when this is ten times greater, deeper, stronger.

This coming Saturday I am "going for a drive." ;) I believe when you are trying to be good the adversary, 'forces of evil,' whatever you wish to call it will try and keep you from doing that which will make you a better person, that which will make you stronger, and happier. A lot of opposition has become Manny and I as we prepare for "our drive." It has been hard, difficult, sometimes unbearable forcing us to tears and down on our knees in prayer but it's had the reverse effect it meant to - it has brought us closer. Made us stronger. Taken our two broken hearts and weaved them together as one. When we felt we couldn't go on, that it was too hard, or too painful, we learned to embrace each other and let our tears become as one. Each time gaining a deeper love and appreciation for the other and being able to remember why we fell in love with one another. I have waited for this upcoming moment for a long time and been through hell and back to get there. I know when Saturday comes and that moment I've been waiting for is here, I know that I will once again find myself thinking, feeling...I thought I knew love. I thought I was in love. I thought I felt love until now but this...well this is indescribable, completely overwhelming in the most positive sense there is and total and complete joy, happiness....and peace.....and....love will consume my entire being.

I cannot wait for that moment and the many more to come in the coming years.