Going for a Drive

They say a sign of getting older is time going by more quickly. Even though I am now closer to the big 3-0 than 20 I still don't consider myself 'old.' I have convinced myself that I never want to grow 'old'....more mature, wiser, kinder...yes. But not 'old.' Thank goodness for two children and several nieces and nephews to keep me young at heart and help me to remember the important things of life....just so happens that the most important 'things' in life aren't things.

I got cancelled the last 8 hours of my shift at the hospital so I now find myself resisting the urge to wake Elaina up so I can hug and kiss her and tell her how much I missed her cute little face. Now, I am waiting for the sleeping pills to kick in so that sleep can come. In the meantime I've been looking at blog posts that my sister is so good about doing, wondering where this last summer has gone...year has gone! In looking at the little faces I adore so much I started thinking about the power of love. How blessed I am to have felt love in the capacity that I have. I know some people search and search and will never know the feeling. There are a lot of "things" in this world that I don't have or will never have, but I have been blessed with the gift of love in my life.

I remember being a top the peak at Snowbird, standing on a grand mountain, snowflakes dancing around two love birds, clouds creeping upon us, engulfing and crawling over the mountain side. I remember that moment and the exact words he said to me and I remember thinking I how much I thought I loved Manny that day. I remember walking down the isle seeing so many loved ones faces and then finally resting my eyes on my future husband, seeing his handsome face as each step I took brought me closer and closer to him, my body unable to breathe or think or concentrate on anything but that moment....seeing his soft gentle stare and admiration for the woman he beheld drew me closer, I remember then how I thought I loved him then. I remember the first time as a family we got to go to lunch [Manny, Marcus and I.] I remember feeling so happy and feeling so in love with these two boys. I remember the first time Marcus thought enough of me to call me 'Mommy.' The first time he ran and greeted me with hugs and a kiss voluntarily and was genuinely happy and excited to see ME....the first time he said "I love you Jana," the first time I saw him truly sad to leave me. The first time he chose to give me hugs first instead of Manny. I thought I knew love then. Becoming a step parent first, knowing how I feel about Marcus, I never believed that the love I would feel for Marcus would be different than what I would feel for my own child. I was wrong and I've just barely pin pointed the difference. I have always given my love freely to Marcus. The only way I knew how to be a step parent was to treat him as my own child therefore, I did as any mother would do. I gave him my heart whole hearted freely. I sacrificed. I felt empty when he left our little nest. Joy when he got that "ah ha!" moment. I thought and prayed about him when he was miles away, when he was in the next room, when he was curled up in my lap. The difference you ask?While I was giving of myself and loving him best I knew how....unlike the love I share with Elaina....Marcus' love isn't always unconditional love being reciprocated back towards me. With the hard moments and difficult side of step parenting came so many good and incredible moments, so many moments that you thought your heart would burst from the joy and happiness and love one felt...Being a step parent....I thought I knew what love is.

I remember the day I read the pregnancy test was positive. I remember being in our little apartment and looking into my husband's anxious face - eyes dancing around my face searching, hoping for the yes. Happy to see the twinkle in his eyes when he heard the news. I remember feeling so in love with him in that moment and so completely happy. That day, I thought I knew what love was. The day I had my first ultrasound and first saw Elaina in my belly...my heart stopped beating as I saw her little bean shaped self dance around inside me, love burned in me. The first time I beheld her gorgeous face, the first time she nestled down in my arms and like that I had fallen in love all over again. With her. With Manny. With Marcus. I thought I knew what love was. In these moments and so many others - too many to name by one, I've thought I knew the meaning and the feeling of love. Then comes a moment where I am so consumed with joy, happiness, love, adoration, peace that I wonder how so many months ago, so many times over...how I THOUGHT I was in love when this is ten times greater, deeper, stronger.

This coming Saturday I am "going for a drive." ;) I believe when you are trying to be good the adversary, 'forces of evil,' whatever you wish to call it will try and keep you from doing that which will make you a better person, that which will make you stronger, and happier. A lot of opposition has become Manny and I as we prepare for "our drive." It has been hard, difficult, sometimes unbearable forcing us to tears and down on our knees in prayer but it's had the reverse effect it meant to - it has brought us closer. Made us stronger. Taken our two broken hearts and weaved them together as one. When we felt we couldn't go on, that it was too hard, or too painful, we learned to embrace each other and let our tears become as one. Each time gaining a deeper love and appreciation for the other and being able to remember why we fell in love with one another. I have waited for this upcoming moment for a long time and been through hell and back to get there. I know when Saturday comes and that moment I've been waiting for is here, I know that I will once again find myself thinking, feeling...I thought I knew love. I thought I was in love. I thought I felt love until now but this...well this is indescribable, completely overwhelming in the most positive sense there is and total and complete joy, happiness....and peace.....and....love will consume my entire being.

I cannot wait for that moment and the many more to come in the coming years.

Happy 1st Birthday Elaina!!

Me about 4 AM waiting for my baby

Same time, Manny waiting...wouldn't it be nice to be a guy and have the ability to sleep through everything? ;)

Here she is!!! Her first cries were music to my ears!

Amazing to me how alert she was even the day she was born.

My 'snow white'

Proud big brother. He was a little aprehensive when he first met her but then warmed up to her and has latched on to her ever since. When he gets home Wednesday morning's now he goes straight to her crib to peak on her. He is adorable with her.

Love at first sight.

It's amazing how quickly a year can come and go. A year ago tonight about this time [midnight] I was hunched over in pain and had finally surrendered to Elaina's plans and told Manny IT WAS TIME TO GO. This baby was coming! She has other plans for her Mommy. Last August I craved PEACHES and Cafe Rio [spicy foods]. The feelings of discomfort in my own body are too imprinted in my memory to forget just after a year. Swollen feet, toes, legs, achy, tired back, a certain picture Manny took of my sad foot the weekend Amy moved in to her house is too vivid still in my mind to be forgotten already. Despite the discomfort, my favorite parts of being pregnant was towards the end. Lying on my back and watching my tummy roll in waves as I watched my little girl moving around inside me. Feeling the movements of her [although they became strong and sometimes painful] I was still in complete awe at the miracle growing inside me.

After a long hard week at work [12 hours shifts KILL when you're a pregnant CNA even if it's 2-3 shifts a week] combined with other activities during the weekend left me drained and exhausted. Although I didn't do much to help my sister move as I felt so sick and exhausted from the work week and getting things prepared and organized for her arrival...what I did do still left me feeling more fatigued. Labor Day I finally slept in until about 10:45 and got some rest. When I woke up I had all sorts of energy. "Nesting" had set in and I got a lot of stuff done and set out to run last minute errands. I remember after a few stops I stopped at Subway to get a sandwich because I needed to eat something but I didn't want anything too greasy. While I was eating my lunch [about 3:30] I just had an overwhelming sense of peace and happiness come over me. About that same time I also started having the beginning of labor pains. My next stop was Wal Mart to exchange some duplicate gifts for other little fillers we needed for her. Labor Day at Wal Mart was not the day to do exchanges. I waited in line at the service desk for over a half an hour. I remember I kept getting pains and it became more and more difficult to stand there let alone tolerate the annoying people around me. I finally made it through the line and back to the back of the store to get what I needed and decided I couldn't go anywhere else, that I just needed to lie down for a few minutes and all would be fine again. My contractions kept coming and were consistently 5-7 minutes apart and then would stop for a bit so I kept telling myself it wasn't the real deal and she wasn't coming. I remember about 8:00 at night my mom saying, "Manny. Would you please tell your wife that this baby is coming tonight. She isn't working tomorrow, she's having a baby." About 9:30 is when I started to time and keep good track of my contractions again as I decided I better start again just in case [9:00 they had slowed down for about an hour so I took 2 Tylenol PM so I could sleep before my shift]. For two hours they were right on schedule...I didn't want to go to the hospital and be sent home so I tracked them a longer than what my Dr. told me to be sure it was the real deal. A little before midnight when I experienced a very intense contraction I decided she WAS in fact coming and I better hit the road.

We got to the hospital and got checked in. When they checked me I was dilated to a 6. About 12:45 my water broke. I got my epidural shortly after and it was smooth sailing the rest of the way. Elaina and I had a deal that she would wait until September to be born and that she wouldn't come over Labor Day weekend because Marcus would be out of town to a reunion with his Mom. I also didn't want her to come over the weekend because Amy was moving and needed man power to get moved out of her apartment. I wanted to work one more week but she listened to the most important request I made so I couldn't complain. I had one final last minute request - that she wait until Dr. Terry got there to be born.

It was a surprisingly short night considering. I fell asleep for about 5 minutes then the nurse came in to check me and I was awake the rest of the time. I kept thinking about what she was doing prior to being born. I kept thinking about what she would look like. What Marcus would do when he saw her. I was too stoked to sleep. I just sat in my delivery room, Manny asleep at my side on the couch, my mom sitting in front of me on a chair who FINALLY decided to get a couple minutes of sleep for the big moment and I thought of every last little thing I could. Modern medicine is a beautiful thing. Since I got the epidural, I didn't feel a thing until it wore off which made the rest of the delivery a very pleasant, beautiful, experience as neither I or Elaina had any complications.

Right at shift change I was dilated to a 10 and 100% effaced. They were getting things set up and I was getting nervous as my Dr. wasn't in the room yet. About 7:15 I think it was, he came in was gowned and ready to go in no time. It was the moment of truth. I don't remember it taking very long to get her out, 5-7 pushes and she was here at 7:34 AM. I remember waiting breathlessly to hear that first breath and cry... and nothing. As I watched my baby and Dr. Terry he was tickling her feet and stroking her and finally gave her bum a swat and out it came as did my first breath after she was born. I was a Mommy. My little girl had safely made it here and her first sad, scared cries were music to my ears. I couldn't believe the shear perfection I saw right before me. "2 pounds of hair," beautiful skin, perfect 10 toes and fingers, the cutest round little cheeks. I could finally let a few tears fall in absolute joy and happiness as I looked around this perfect scene and saw my husband beaming with joy and pride and my own Mother there to be with me on this special day for me, listening to her tell me all about her first big stories I anxiously awaited a closer look. I reached my trembling arms to receive my little bonita. I fell in love 10 times over and over, again and again. As they took her away I felt empty and alone and ached to hold and smell and kiss her. While they took care of her we called her new big brother to tell him the news. He wasn't too sure about it. When he first met her - he wasn't too sure about her but shortly after he was all big brother and couldn't get enough of her.