Peanut Butter and Saltine Crackers

It was just like any other horrendous shift on T9.  Finally I was caught up and the calls had ceased momentarily.  I made a dash to the kitchen on our floor, grabbed 3 packs of saltines, one thing of peanut butter and a knife and made a mad dash for the break room to try and catch the kiddo's on the phone before they went to bed.  I called and talked to them and Manny while I spread my peanut butter on my saltine crackers and set them off to the side.  Hearing their voices made the night better and gave me gumption to go do the less than appealing tasks ahead of me and carry on working all night even though I had already put in a 12+ hour day.  We said goodnight and ended our call.  I sat there enjoying a moment of complete silence while I proceeded to eat my prepared snack.

Moments later one of the nurses I work with came in and commented on how it's funny that we just grab whatever we can at work to eat and how we'd never eat what we do here at home.  I just laughed and thought to myself, no I wouldn't eat this at home because this is what I grab even unconsciously at times when I'm aching and yearning for my babies, when I'm home they are with me so no, I would never eat this at home, but I wouldn't expect you to know that.

Last March when I went into pre-term labor at 32 weeks I spent the night in L&D.  Many things changed in me and for me that day.  Manny and I went through several emotions, worriment, and moments of growth as a couple that night.  After the worst of it was over Manny crashed on the couch as usual [so envious at times at his ability to do that by the way].  I on the other hand, had too much running through my mind for sleep so I sat in my bed and listened to the rhythm of my sons heartbeat.  It was steady, soft but prevalent, and the constant I needed at the time.   Finally around 4am my nurse came in and told me that the medication had worked and it had reversed the labor and they weren't worried about me delivering anymore or needing to do a c-section so they offered to bring me a snack.  It had been hours since I had ate so I was grateful for any little morsel they could scrounge up.  My cute aide brought me peanut butter and 3 packs of saltine crackers!  So, after 4 am one Sunday morning I sat in my hospital bed listening to the constant, soft, rhythm of my unborn babies heartbeat on the one side and the not so soft snoring pattern of my darling, passed out husband on the couch.

We had no idea what was to come and I was worried about SEVERAL things but the peace, love, and reassurance I felt was indescribable.  It was a horrifying experience and there are several things I will always remember.  Among them are: the sweet, kind nurse and her ability to care for me and put me at ease even though I know from experience she is probably exhausted and just wants to be home and in bed.  My husband sitting next me on the bed, cheek to cheek while ours tears of sorrow/worriment/joys/anxieties ran together, and I will always remember the calmness, peace and comfort that engulfed our little room after a very humble and fervent prayer to our Heavenly Father.  This night attached my heart even more intricately to my husband and bonded me even more to my William in ways I cannot describe to you.   Sometimes food is just food-something to grab to feed our hunger pains.  But as in this instance it can feed so much more.  I love some of my co-workers and it is only because of them that I survived many a hellish nights but I also miss having someone there with me that knew me well enough to know little tidbits of info like this to offer moral support when you need it. 

I am grateful for a job, for health and strength and the ability to go out and work but I am a Mother first and when my children aren't with me, I always have a longing and aching to be with them.  12 hours at work is an eternity at times but when I miss them unbearably and want to feel close to them - I reach for my peanut butter and crackers and take 5 to regroup and recharge my battery before I go back into the chaos again.

One Month Old!

A few snap shots of the day you were born and your first month.

June 2, 2011

Happy One Month Old day William! I can't believe it's been a month already since your sweet little face joined our family. You are such a little sweetheart. I love to cuddle with you and listen to your little sighs. I love your little newborn cry and pouty lip. Soon as we give you your bottle you put your little arms around both sides [hands in little fists] and make the cutest little grunts, it's you're saying, "Now that you finally brought it, I'm not giving it up so don't even think about taking it." I just love that.

Everyone you meet can't get over all of your beautiful dark hair and chubby cheeks. They think you are quite the handsome little ma, and of course, so do I! One of my other favorite things is how you smile at me when I sing you lullaby's. I remember the first night in the hospital after you were born, the nurse brought you sometime in the middle of the night so I could nurse you. I remember being SO exhausted. I nursed you on both sides and you were wide awake. Right after delivery I got pretty sick so I had barely gotten to see or hold you much at all that day, instead of sending you right back I took advantage of the quiet, still night and snuggled you close and talked to you about our crazy day. I wished you could tell me about it from your perspective and told you I was sure it would be an even better story. I remember how immediately I fell in love with you and feeling very much at peace and a feeling immeasurable amounts of joy and happiness all the while feeling very inadequate and unworthy knowing you just came from the pre-existence. I cradled your little head in my hands and put your little face in front of me and just talked to you. Then, I sang the song I sung to Lainey many nights..."You are My Sunshine" and you just beamed the most beautiful, handsome, big smile. It melted my heart and ever since you always smile no matter how horrible the singing is. :) I LOVE that. I know you will do many great and wonderful things on this Earth and I am so honored to be your Mommy. I love you more and more each day...you will never come close to understanding just how much until the day you yourself become a Daddy, then and only then will you begin to understand. I hope and pray I can be the Mommy and example you need and deserve to have. You are a choice son of our Heavenly Father and I hope you always remember and KNOW that. I love you son, I'm so pleased you are finally here. We had a long journey, you and I, getting you here safe and strong and healthy but it was well worth it. It brings much joy to finally cradle you in my arms and kiss that sweet little face.

Love, Mommy